Stay Well Back Kassi!!!

Hello

Sharing Top Coaching Tips to Unblock Woman: Creatively, Sexually, Financially, in Health & Business

I'd like to share a little story about why it's important to really Listen and not Judge - and how most things make a lot of sense when we Really Listen...

When I was on my Psychiatric Placement during Counsellor Training in 1998-2000, the difference between the Psychiatric approach ie: the medical model (diagnosing and medicating) as opposed to my Psychotherapeutic approach which is deeply rooted in the premise that "it's the Relationship that Heals" - was vast.

I undertook three placements simultaneously. Typically me, to be 'full on'. We were only required to have one placement... however, I didn't want to have to wait between 3 and 5 years to get all my supervised hours required to pass and become Accredited... so I did a placement in Psychological Services, another in Higher Education for Students and a Psychiatric Placement based in a Hospital setting.

When I received a referral from Alexander the Psychiatric Nurse supervising my Placement, he would refer the patient to me in person, rather than by letter.  In doing so, he would offer "advice" to me, as he handed the file over with lots of background story filtered through Alexander's belief system and opinion.  He found it impossible to understand that I didn't want to hear his opinions or thoughts about a patient and that I would rather start afresh myself with the person.  However, Alexander was 'in charge' and so I was respectful.

He'd say something like: "Kassi, when Joe (patient) arrives, he's probably going to smell Really Awful so bring air freshener with you... and open ALL of the windows. Joe refuses to bathe or be bathed by Staff and we end up having a huge scuffle trying to get him in the bath."

Alexander chuckled to himself for a moment as he appeared to 'see' the scuffles as if watching a film... then continued: "Joe's very strong, but don't worry, he won't hurt you, but his determination to stink is BIG. He's much stronger than all of us put together - so we tend to just carry air freshener when we have to spend any time with him.  Makes life much easier... so.... you know.." Alexander stopped speaking and looked uncomfortably at me, nodding funny little jerking head movements with a furrowed brow as if concerned that I might not understand 'how to deal with' Joe.

Of course, my mind didn't (and still doesn't) work in the way Alexander's did. A Counsellor tends to be VERY Different to the medical model. I am concerned with human connection and the quality of my relationship with those I work with. I also ONLY want to hear the person's 'Story' directly from them.

Alexander continued: "Oh... and...." he grimaced: "Joe scratches his head a lot and the last time, a massive head louse fell off his head onto the desk and before I could clobber it, it jumped off and disappeared... so... STAY WELL BACK KASSI is my best advice when it comes to Joe!"

I listened intently - not to Alexander's advice - but to my gut, my intuition, my heart and soul. I was really looking forward to meeting Joe and getting to know him. I had absolutely no intention of bringing air freshener to the session either.

"Staying Well Back" has never been my approach to Psychotherapy.

I was sure everything would make sense if I was WITH Joe, listening to his body, his stories and all of his experiences he had as a child and adult leading up to the moment where he had been living in a psychiatric unit for over 20 years and where absolutely nothing had changed during Joe's time there, except his age.

When I took the file from Alexander's grip - accepting the referral, and nodded with a calm: 'I'm looking forward to meeting Joe, thank you...' Alexander shook his head slowly at my naive enthusiasm and said; "You Counsellors are a very strange bunch. ... I can't fathom you out at all!"

And as he strode back down the corridor to his office he boomed: "and Kassi…!!! STOP writing up the patient records in pink pen… No-one will EVER take you seriously as a professional!" which of course just made me smile.  The colour of ink I used had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my capacity to connect therapeutically with other humans!

The following week, I met Joe and yes, he smelled really strongly of an array of 'smells'. He also scratched a lot …everywhere, understandably… and there were no head lice that I ever saw, but then, I was so engrossed in listening to him share and cry about the childhood sexual abuse, neglect and the power struggles between himself and his Step Father - who had sexually abused him in the bath, from the day they met, until Joe finally ran away from home age 15.

How did I manage the 'smells' and scratching? Easily... the bottom line was, I loved Joe.

"Love (REALLY) Is All You Need" (John Lennon & Paul McCartney) and yes… "Love, Changes Everything" (Climie Fisher) and It's The Relationship That Heals (Irvin Yalom) and I completely believe in the power of Love.

Love, Listening & Connection

I looked forward to spending that hour with Joe every week.

Everything made complete sense to me… as is the way. No wonder there were scuffles when the hospital staff (4 big men) tried to force Joe into the bath.

No-one had ever asked Joe what bath time meant to him. His incredible strength in fighting the staff, was simply the rush of adrenaline as he tried to Fight and Flight (from his childhood abuse). Completely understandable to experience Trauma under such circumstances. This was a trauma response.  I find it so frustrating that the health organisations will not allow in the rich research and evidence to change their archaic approaches to psychological well being.  Of course, it would take a massive overhaul and financial commitment to finally update their old ways of thinking and doing.

With Joe's consent, I explained the abuse Joe had experienced to Alexander in the hope of negotiating something different around 'bathing' which I was sure would make a difference to Joe and staff alike.  Alexander simply got stuck into which medication might be better suited to Joe...  Feeling defeated, I chose a sparkly, metallic purple pen to write up Joe's notes that day...

When my placement came to an end and I had to leave the hospital it was such a wrench to say goodbye to everyone I'd been lucky enough to spend time with and get to know - even Alexander.

I shed a tear when Joe and I said goodbye.

Joe's parting words to me? "You'll be awreet Lass" he reassured me in his broad accent, a bit like a loving father...

I hope Joe realised it was how much he had touched my heart that made me tearful, and how much I was going to miss him ...and my hope that he would be "awreet" himself.

Things tend to make sense when we listen, really connect and LOVE the other person... not judge their behaviour but instead, look for the meaning below what we see, hear - or smell.

So... if YOU are considering Counselling or Transformative Coaching with me... you know where I am. We can meet via zoom, at a time to fit both our diaries and time zones wherever you are in the world.  If you are local we can meet in my lovely, homely consulting room or in my wildly colourful art studio where you may wish to make art too.

Please don't wait any longer... Most people who come for therapy have been waiting a very long time and once they begin, they have regrets that they didn't start sooner.  Me too by the way... I didn't start my own Therapeutic Journey until 1996 and I was VERY in need from a VERY young age.

Those who do eventually come to work with me, aren't sure what has held them back.. It seems mostly due to conditioning and patriarchy. "I should be fine... I need to be strong... I ought to just get on with it... If I just stay positive...".  These Limiting Beliefs got in their way (which is the intention of course! To keep you small!!!)

The worst thing that gets in the way of coming for therapy is Shame. "I'm too ashamed or scared to reach out to a therapist" or "what if they think I'm stupid?"

Therapy is a wonderful gift to give yourself... to become unblocked and free to be your truest essence into the world.  You can have a whatsapp (typing) chat with me initially if you like to get a sense of who I am 07876222790.  Don't Hold Back!!!

I'm here... reach out! ...and if you would like to see me working with wonderful Meggie... here's a video to watch below:

love,
Kas <3

(Names/information have been changed to protect identity)